Has anyone ever told you that in your photos you kind of resemble George W. Bush? At first I thought it might be the self-aggrandizing smirk you’re always sporting, but the longer I look, the more I think it might be just your oddly wavy hair and small, close-set eyes.
Oh, yeah—surprise!—I made this mug shot for you. Now, I know my Photoshop skills are world-class, so I added the facial hair to keep people from thinking it was a real mug shot. Even though you were exonerated for that whole stock option backdating scandal that blew up at McAfee in 2006, I can see how some silly people might wonder if you could be guilty of some other fancy, white-collar crimes. We don’t want people wondering that do we?
I’m rambling now, but my real purpose for writing is to ask what you’ve been up to lately. I mean, besides instructing the fine folks at Author Solutions, Inc. to backdate authors’ royalty checks and then draft them in the wrong amounts. Related question: where does that money go? The stuff you’re supposed to pay to authors but don’t?
Someone suggested you were cooking the books to make yourself richer, but I was all, “Nuh-uh! Kevin got a nice parting gift from McAfee and he doesn’t need to risk his career for that chump change.” I told them that IF you were taking money, you were probably diverting it to a nice charity.
Speaking of backdated things, though, are you guys also getting ready to cut backdated refund checks for Joan Moran and Jodi Foster? Despite your missing the 60-day cutoff for royalty statements and checks, you should know that all the authors out there are really going to appreciate what you’ve done for them.
I mean, breaching your contract with them? Genius, dawg! You’ve given them a way to pull their books from iUniverse without having to pay up to $750 for a worthless PDF of their own hard work.
If AUTHOR terminates this agreement for any reason other than a breach of contract by PUBLISHER, all third party licenses and obligations shall remain in effect…
You guys breached the contract on purpose didn’t you? Just to nullify all licenses and obligations and give people like Joan Moran their money back. You’re my hero!
Shh. It’s not important that there was an easier way, Kev. It doesn’t matter anymore that honest business dealings would’ve kept you from this whole mess in the first place. What’s important is that you finally did the right thing. I promise I won’t tell majority owners, Bertram Capital, about this if you won’t.
That reminds me! Someone told me that your people were still refusing to talk to the customers you’d wronged, and I was all like, “No way, man. Not on Kevin’s watch!” But then Joan said no one was answering her and Jodi told me that you guys wouldn’t let her talk to anyone but Eugene Hopkins. Kev, I’m going to tell you this because we’re friends, okay? When you do that, it looks like you’ve got even more to hide and you’re buying time to come up with an excuse.
P.S. Don’t let that 11% approval rating at Glassdoor.com get you down. I know you’re just misunderstood.
P.P.S. Please make more YouTube videos. They are sooooooo sessy.