I’m having a day. I was on the fence about writing about it, because the part of me that is severely chemo depressed right now is like, why expend the energy trying to be understood? This is unexplainable. You will waste time and precious energy and still no one will understand.
Maybe I just need the thoughts out of my head and into The Void.
It’s Friday, so it’s sheet washing day. I got the fitted sheet on the bed. Then I rested and put the top sheet on the bed. I’ve still got pillow cases and the quilt to go.
But I had to stop and take a break and stare at the spinning walls for 30 minutes while wallowing in self-pity about how difficult everything is. Yes, Dan will help me if I ask.
But god fucking damn it, I am tired of having to ask for help with ev-uh-ree-thing. And sometimes I have to prove to myself that, yes, I do actually need the help. Been a gaslighting recipient one too many times I guess.
While my pulse was racing, it occurred to me that this is maybe something I can use when talking to my doctors and nurses.
“Does your pulse usually run high?” (Every visit starts with vitals.)
Yes! Fucking yes! Every time I’m in here you ask me that. It’s always like this!
But it occurs to me that I should be spelling it out for them. “I walked ten feet with a mobility aid, and my pulse is as high as if Healthy Me had completed 30 minutes of jogging. Now do you fucking get it? This is what fatigue level 7 looks like. Stop pretending those god damn fucking numbers from 1-10 mean anything to you!”
But I am not actually mad at the medical staff. They are caring. I am just mad at life. At how unfair literally everything is.
I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m fatigued. But no one has any idea what those words mean. Because they’ll say them right before they binge watch a TV series while SITTING UP and maybe even walking to the kitchen for a snack.
I know this is just how I feel some days. I don’t need a pep talk. Thanks anyway.