Between the photos coming in from the James Webb Space Telescope, watching watercolor videos, and the anticipation of more televised proceedings from the January 6 Committee, I think today is going to be an okay day.
I was awake again until 2:00 am, but I slept until almost 10:00 am. And while I don’t like to waste so much daylight, I can’t complain about getting in a solid 8 hours. I had another one of those sleeps where I woke up in the same position I remember being in when I fell asleep.
Better sleep could have something to do with not taking chemo. I’ve got that MRI tomorrow, and I’m not resuming temozolomide again until, I dunno, next Monday or something.
It’s also Prime Day, which would be more exciting if I had money to spend and wasn’t hyper aware of the physical toll of having to move new stuff.
(Related: I could use some help sharing the fundraiser, if you’re up to the task. There hasn’t been a new donation in a few days.)
Also, I know Amazon (Bezos) has shortcomings, but that doesn’t make me less reliant on it. Plus, as someone wise once reminded me, ethical consumption is hard to come by where unfettered capitalism is king.
I try to make the best choices possible. I still care. I just don’t spend a whole lot of time feeling guilty when my options are so limited and I have basic needs that need to be met. If anyone should feel guilty, it’s the dudes who hoard wealth they can’t even use while others have less than they need.
I have very strong opinions here. What I’m saying feels too tame. But I’m trying to keep my blood pressure down. Just know I don’t have problems with some people having more money than others. I do have a problem with exploitation of workers, disproportionate taxation, and dehumanization of the poor.
Also, I’m trying to make updates to the site that bring in more traffic, including writing longer pieces like the page I published a few days ago 35 Oddly Specific Ways to Help Someone with Cancer. This is a purposeful attempt to increase search traffic.
If you’re not here for that kind of content, it’ll likely not be an issue. I tend to publish article type stuff as web pages, not a blog post. Pages don’t get added to the blog email or the RSS feed. That might be super obvious to some, but not everyone.
I’ll also be trying to find ways to automate sharing that content on social media. It might be slightly annoying if you follow me, and I might break something trying to sort it all out. If that happens, two things: please be patient with me, but also let me know if you run into something so I can try to fix it.
On Sundays, my phone tells me how much time I’ve used it compared to the previous week, and today it told me I used it 16 more hours.
That’s almost exactly how many hours’ worth of watercolor tutorials I’ve watched on YouTube in the last 48 hours.
I had that migraine, as I mentioned, and I was wrapping up another week of chemo. So I spent a lot of time in bed with my phone in the overhead articulating arm watching Sarah Cray’s video tutorials on the Let’s Make Art channel.
Guys? These tutorials feel so accessible. I want to paint all the things, and I’m trying to figure out how to subscribe to the boxes. They’re pretty reasonably priced, but I really need to give up $40 worth of something to be able to afford them.
This fixed income shit. I tell ya.
Shakes fist at cloud.
But also—and this is the real issue—I packed away all my other art supplies so I wouldn’t be tempted to make a huge mess that I don’t have the energy to clean up. I need more art stuff right now like I need more tumor cells.
I’m not being mean to myself, either. I’m genuinely trying to be kind to myself by not making life harder with moving on the horizon.
But.
The.
Urge.
Is.
So.
Great.
I know I’ve mentioned this before, I just don’t know if I’ve mentioned it here: When I was a senior in high school, I wanted to take an art class.
The 2D art class was a prerequisite for all other art classes. So naturally it conflicted with another class I also really wanted to take that was only offered at one time: fourth year German.
My counselor was like, “Well, I’ll put you in 3D art and see what happens.”
What happened was on the first day of 3D art, the art teacher asked us to raise our hands if we hadn’t taken 2D art. Like a damn honest fool, I raised mine.
“Please go to the office to change your schedule,” she said.
For many years, I was bitter. And I’m still not entirely over being forced to make a choice, but I did make a choice, and I chose German.
Why? Being inducted into the National Honors Society and getting some other embossed decal on my diploma required four years of a foreign language.
If I had it to do over, though. I’d have made a different decision. Those academic things got me nothing. I failed out of my first semester at the University of Evansville because I didn’t attend classes and I didn’t officially unenroll.
When I enrolled at IUPUI seven years later as a “non-traditional” student, admissions didn’t give a rats’ ass about my high school transcript or my UE transcript. In fact, I got a full-ride scholarship.
Which I don’t share to brag, because looking back I see some serious privilege, but I do share it for the young. To let them know life after high school is so incredibly hopeful, even if you feel like a screw up.
Where the heck was I going with this?
Oh, yeah.
I really like art and I like adding color to my Zentangles and I like learning new things. And Let’s Make Art is not just like, here paint this. It’s more like, this is how you can achieve this look if you want.
…and by the way, here’s how to render 3D attributes on a 2D work
…and here’s some color theory
…and did you know Van Gogh wasn’t a “sucessful” painter while he was alive
…and here’s where you get the free outline because we just want you to experience the joy of painting
… and OMG! Do you see that bloom? Do. You. See. It?
Anyway, some people have giant stacks of books to be read. My Dad had an entire basement full of model trains. I have coloring books and Zentangle tiles and sketchbooks and art supplies just waiting for me to have a good enough day.
Because joy. Because when it comes to art, I can’t have too much of this good thing.
I woke up at 2:00 am after a migraine squiggle* appeared in my dream.
Wut?
I know right!? Not. Fair.
This is going to be a very short update without a photo. My head is pounding, and I just want to say that I am not taking chemo today. And that makes me happy.
I’d be happier if I didn’t have this monster headache on a non-chemo day, but oh well. Send ice cream.
* I know I have posted a picture of these visual disturbances before, but I can’t search my blog right now. It would hurt. Maybe you can search “migraine” on my blog or something if you don’t know what I’m talking about. (Update 7:05 pm: found the post with the picture.)
My body won’t decide if it’s hot or cold and the top sheet and quilt are no longer anchored to the foot of the bed. That’s how you know yesterday was a chemo day.
Breakfast went okay. I had a biscuit with a little jam and water. After it felt settled, I even had a second biscuit.
That got me singing “Biscuits and Butter” by Carrie Newcomer, but I could only recall the lines “I packed them biscuits and butter / and never saw them again.” So I got worried the woman in the song had poisoned her family and had to do a little lyric research. Whew!
Tangent.
I’m pretty sure now that trying to move through the vertigo causes the majority of my vomiting. If I stay in place a little longer than I’d like too, my odds of keeping food down increase exponentially.
The biscuits were surprisingly good. Just those frozen off-brand pucks of dough from the big box store, but really tasty. Of course, most things taste different to me. So what do I know?
I can promise you, though, that the frozen biscuits are so much better than the canned ones. Less fun to open, but you can’t have everything.
Anyway, I think I’ll do the temodar thing until Friday as planned, but then next week is my MRI, so I’m thinking I’ll take that week off. Chemo elevates anxiety, and I’d be pretty embarrassed if I puked in the screeching magnetic rage tube.
I’m getting the perfusion MRI next Wednesday. That’s the one that takes a long-ass time. Too bad I can’t play Animal Crossing while I’m in there.
I posted an update over on our fundraiser page, so I don’t have a whole lot of energy to dedicate to blogging. Instead, I offer you a special holiday edition of #Caturday in which Izzy finds our soda stash in the garage and auditions to be a Bodega Cat.
Photos by Dan, naturally.
She really loves to be in the garage for some reason. She once caught a mouse in that paneled garage but she let it go as soon as she showed Dan what she’d done. That’s okay with me. I like it when critters don’t die, and I am one of those people who thinks mice are kind of cute anyway.
And just like that my good sleep streak is over. It was about 2:00 am when I fell asleep last night, and I didn’t get up until around 9:00 this morning. It’s Friday, and I’m in a whole lotta pain, kids.
“I hurt so much. What is happening to me?” I grumbled when Dan brought me my morning Liquid IV.
“I think it’s supposed to rain today.”
I’m like someone with arthritis. Sort of. I can predict the weather, but instead of a cranky knee or hip, my entire body screams out in inflammation—from my neck fat to my duodenum to my fifth metatarsal. Every thing hurts.
I’m scanning my body right now for something that doesn’t hurt, and I got nothing. Maaaaybe my right earlobe, but only if I don’t think about it too hard.
I’m glad I got some chores done yesterday (wait, am I though?), because today is going to be absolutely worthless. It took everything I had to microwave that bean and cheese burrito for lunch.
I took two Tylenol. God knows why, but I always start with Tylenol even though it doesn’t sooth anything. Not even my internalized feelings of uselessness.
I wonder if living in mom’s basement will help? I’m serious. Maybe spending time underground will shelter me from weather changes. Because Animal Crossing isn’t helping me at all today. I tried, though. Caught seven new species in about 90 minutes because it’s my first July playing.
I wish I’d told Dan to pick up some Ben & Jerry’s yesterday. I thought about putting it on the grocery list, but I was like, “Emily, you don’t need that.”
Well today I do. Thanks for nothing, internal voice of reason!
