Friday is Operating Room day. And this evening I’m a lovely mix of anxious, scared, and desperate. So I’m just going to stream-of-consciousness my thoughts.

They want me to bathe with Hibiclens the night before and the morning of the excision to avoid infection. Tonight I’m barely moving, so is that even possible?

I have to be at the hospital at 8:00 am Friday. Is that even possible? What if I can’t sleep again?

What do I wear? What clothes will I be able to manage?

Where is the doctor going to harvest the lymph node from?

Are they really doing general anesthesia? The coordinating nurse seemed to think so. Will I get a break from pain?

Speaking of pain, is it really not going to be that bad? Or is the doctor just bullshitting me?

What about the bathroom? Anxiety makes everything worse.

What if no one wants to take care of me after? What if I can’t get in the car?

What if the results don’t show anything?

What if they do?

What should I eat tomorrow? I need to have a couple of bananas there are a lot and they might get too ripe.

I don’t want to eat anything that will hurt me. But I also can’t make anything.

Should I get more weed?

I wish I had a dog for emotional support, but I’m not supposed to let pets sleep in the human bed the night before anyway. Good thing my cats are jerks. Makes that easier.

Please do something useful, frontal cortex.

Why is this bed so uncomfortable? Why does every pillow feel like a rock? Will I ever feel comfortable again? Would I freak out if I wasn’t in pain?

How am I going to pay for this? I’m still mad that RIP Medical Debt asked me how I felt about impending medical bills and when I moved the slider all the way to “overwhelmed” it said, “Sorry, we can’t help you.”

We could have better healthcare and better outcomes if we didn’t do this to people.

I want a glass of chocolate milk. Will that be a problem Friday morning? Or tomorrow when I need to do stuff?

I need to hydrate now, but I am tired of getting up all the time.

No food or drink after midnight tomorrow. Remember that.

I need clean bedding after my shower tomorrow.

It’s going to be 62° F tomorrow. That’s nice, but climate change?

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