Here’s what I find frustrating about my predicament: if I over-explain people get bored and irritated and wish I’d just say what I need. If I just say what I need, I’m too bossy and not appreciative enough.

In the absence of other people with brain tumors and TBIs, I find common ground with people who have ADHD or autism. My brain can’t (not won’t; can NOT) process two things at once. And since pain and anxiety are always happening, I get extremely exhausted and extremely frustrated extremely fast.

I was trying to get three things from the fridge for lunch. Oliver was jumping on my rollator, Dan was upset I didn’t find a joke of his funny, and I couldn’t get out of the kitchen because I miscalculated my turn radius. “I can’t do two things at once,” I said for what felt like the hundredth time, “that includes laughing.”

Then I couldn’t get my Rollator—with my lunch and a cat on it—over the threshold between the living room and the bedroom. Dan was saying something behind me (I don’t even know what) and in exasperation, I said “Stop yelling at me!”

Was he actually yelling? No idea. But it felt like knives were being hurled into my ear drums, and my shoulders clenched just a little bit closer to my ears with every unprocessed word that came from behind me.

The door slammed, and Dan’s voice trailed off, “Fine. I won’t talk then.”

I ate my deviled eggs seated on the edge of the bed while muttering, “I don’t need you acting like a five year old.”

From doctors to family to friends, I am acutely aware how I can’t explain myself to normies anymore. It’s stressful and sometimes scary.

No wonder I’m always anxious.

Doctor appointment tomorrow morning—follow-up with the surgeon.

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