The first set of Avise lab results (checking for lupus) is negative with caveats. My 1:640 speckled ANA persists, and there’s a positive result on a C3 complement component, but I don’t know what that means.

On a scale of -5 to +5 (with -5 being “you’re fine” and +5 being “dude, that’s so much lupus”) I am a -.4. just barely to the negative side of the section of the lupus results graph labeled “indeterminate.”

Stares at camera in unamused side eye.

Look, I don’t want to have lupus, but I do want to know how to fix this, and I’m a little worried I’m going down the road to Nowheresville all over again. This diagnosis crap is forever taking.

My worrying about inconclusive results is probably premature. There are outstanding tests from other labs to come back. Plus, the follow-up with the rheumatologist—who knows way more about what this all means than I do. But I know my body historically likes to cause undetectable problems for me.

How much longer is this going to go on? How many more useless tests and procedures and doctors’ visits are in my future?

I know it’s better for me not to imagine worst-case scenarios. I also accept that I’m pretty bad at staying focused on the present when Right Now is a giant, immotile shit show full of chronic pain and fatigue and swollen lymph nodes.

At least this time around I have results and visible symptoms that doctors can’t ignore. I am being taken at my word, too, which I thought was all I wanted. I want relief too though.

I’m never satisfied.

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