Like a Boss
Before I do anything else, I’d like to take a moment to appreciate that I’m not recovering from a bronchoscopy today because I didn’t need one yesterday because my body handled that lung nodule like a boss.
I moved my appointment with Dr. Oncology a couple of weeks out, and I will use this time to be kind to my guts.
I dealt with another 5-day round of IBS-C this week, which was awful. But! I had a few days before that where I felt slightly better than what has become my usual. So I will see about extending my not-too-awful streak.
Dr. Pulmonologist said that my lung function test results point to anatomical breathing restrictions caused by deconditioning. I don’t have asthma or COPD or anything, so losing weight and exercise would probably help me. I will try.
Diet and exercise can be an excuse for some doctors not to listen, but I’m confident that’s not the case here. I continue to believe my most unwieldy medical issue is anxiety, and it’s physical manifestations are out of whack. I’m working on that, but it’s not like there’s an overnight cure.
There are a couple of specific things that plague me. I obsessively plan now. I’ve always been the kind of person that checks out the menu at a new restaurant a day ahead, but now I plan what I will wear to the doctor’s office, who will drive me there, what I will say, how much water I can drink beforehand to have decent veins but not have an overactive bladder scare.
You get the idea. It’s too much. And the kicker is that I’m too physically disabled to write it all down and I don’t trust myself to remember. That means I obsess AND then I rehearse it all. It’s bad news, but it’s unnecessary. I don’t have to do it. I need to remember that. Be like, yo, self! You’re doing the anxious shit again.
I’ve been addressing some of this with Tara Brach’s podcast, because—at least for now—appointments and schedules trigger a physical anxiety response. So I’m trying to self-soothe for now. Without the Oreos.