Note to Self: Oliver is Cute
I have to remind myself that Oliver is cute, because he woke me up every 30 minutes starting at 2:38 last night. Lack of sleep makes the pain worse, and the pain is bad today. It’s partly the changing weather and partly not.
I think my anxiety is bubbling up because I got a text reminder of the CT and MRI appointments happening next month. Although I hadn’t been worried about them (and I count that fact a win because scanxiety is real) it’s a natural reaction for me to get an appointment reminder and then watch my body physically flip the fuck out.
So this morning I am reminding myself that there is room for this anxiety and fear. That it’s quite normal to be scared. And what’s actually abnormal is to suppress those feelings. Which, let’s be honest, is how I’ve been dealing with things for the past decade.
I knew it was bad when I was happy to have a brain tumor diagnosis, but I didn’t understand then how I got that way or if my aversion could be reversed.
I’ve since learned the resistance to that reality is what creates the added physical tension in my muscles. I’m fighting myself when I suppress feelings I don’t want to have, and it’s generating extra pain I don’t need.
One thing that brings me back to reality is when people care for me. And I don’t mean grand gestures or anything. For example Dan put some black raspberry butter on an English muffin for me for breakfast this morning. That helped.
As I was eating breakfast, I began thinking about how Mom bought the jar of jam for me at that shop in Springfield last Christmas and how Dan made me a toasty warm breakfast with a mocha and two mandarins to go with the English muffins.
And as I thought about those things, my anxiety waned. It can be really hard to think comforting thoughts in the middle of an anxiety spiral, but it always helps. So I’m trying to focus on the good things right in front of me.
And when that doesn’t work I try whipping out a guided meditation from Tara Brach or listening to a chapter of Unwinding Anxiety.
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