I couldn’t sleep last night. Had insomnia the last two nights, really, but it was severe last night. I was awake at 3:00 a.m., tossing uncomfortably every few minutes. It was one of those nights where my usual calming sources (the Sleep with Me podcast, Unwiding Anxiety audiobook, Christmas music, etc.) were exceptionally irritating instead of comforting.
It happens, you know. My efforts to quell the anxiety backfire sometimes, and I haven’t quite figured out how to deal with those moments yet. When my brain won’t STFU, and I feel all alone in the deep, dark night my anxiety is sure to hit peak bothersomeness.
Shush. It is so a word.
Anyway, I rose from bed about 8:00 this morning with my heart racing. I was dizzy and seeing stars, breathing rapidly and shallowly and trying to maintain my balance.
They happen frequently enough, these morning anxiety attacks, that it’s easier to count the mornings I don’t have one than it is to count the mornings I do have one.
Though I can’t make any scientific assertions because the brain tumor makes everything a giant diagnostic question mark, I am of the opinion that starting my day with this habitually absurd amount of anxiety is what makes me feel deer-in-the-headlights paralyzed 97% of the time.
It seems a logical conclusion because some days I feel less anxious and have fewer or less severe physical symptoms of anxiety. If it were the brain tumor, life would be more consistent, I think.
Speaking of anxiety (because that’s what I do now) I realized that after a couple of Thanksgiving style gut-bomb meals Wednesday and Thursday, I didn’t have my usual mind-racing anxiety about IBS-D, and it was really nice. I did however, have some bloating and discomfort and a mild (for me) flare of IBS-C.
I think my body just reacts anxiously to eating anything now, because that’s what I have trained it to do, however mindlessly. I’m working to detach those pavlovian connections, but it’s proving to be harder than untangling Christmas lights.
(There will be swearing along the way, but I’m determined to come away with the win.)
For instance, last night my self-talk was: if you don’t poop by Tuesday, you can take some Senekot. However, it might be helpful to see what exactly your body knows how to do without intervening.
A couple of hours ago, I pooped. (I still need that T-shirt. LOL!)
I don’t know if you all are tired of me talking about poop, but I just can’t take it for granted. Literal impossibility right now.
I also don’t know how you guys are taking this post on the whole. For the record, I am feeling hopeful but concerned I’m coming off a total downer.
As usual, I have a million more things to write about, but I have to rest. I hope those of you who did the Thanksgiving thing this week had a genuinely good holiday.
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