This, too, is Arbitrary
I’m eating peanut butter crackers with extra peanut butter and thinking about how unhelpful it is that negativity bias is innate to the human condition and also makes living completely unsustainable. Call me Karen, but who do I talk to about this bullshit?
i think because it’s Christmas I dreamed about my dad last night. When I was sharing how he abandoned us all in my dream this morning, Dan said sarcastically, “Sure, because that sounds just like your dad.”
I chuckled because I have bizarr-o dreams regularly. “If you think that’s weird, wait’ll I explain how the only way I could talk to him was through his patient portal and his doctor kept chiming in.”
I couldn’t visit Dad because he didn’t tell me where he was. I asked Mom to take me to see him. He was just over there where that billboard was, she explained, but she kept driving and driving in the opposite direction and we never got there.
If you’re new here, my dad died in 2021. Or was it 2022? I can’t keep my years straight anymore. I went to sleep last night, Christmas Eve, thinking about how much I miss him. There’s a ball of grief behind my sternum as I write this. It’s making it hard to swallow.
i don’t really feel like writing in depth about my feels. I just want to acknowledge I feel sad on a day I expect myself to feel happy for no other reason than that’s how I always did it before. And being sad today feels like a personal failing if I let myself get swept up in my own nonsense.
Note to self:
There are plenty of other days to feel joy, kiddo. Just recognize that too. Don’t let negativity bias have all the days. December 25 is just one—an arbitrary one as it turns out.