I’m sipping coffee and contemplating how yesterday’s appointment with my primary doctor went while snippets of Brandi Carlile and Elton John’s “Swing for the Fences” are lodged in the part of my brain that randomly recalls earworms.

Though the doctor appointment wasn’t physically groundbreaking for me (still had a panic attack), I did fare pretty well mentally. Most notably, I didn’t apologize all over myself for needing Dan’s help.

The intent when I do this is selfless, but the wishy-washy way I ask for help is exhausting for me and annoying to Dan. It makes things worse, but it’s habitual and hard to overcome. It originates from a place of worry about being high maintenance and not worthy of the fuss, but that worry sets off a cascade of anxiety and panic that ends in elevated pain and paralyzing contractedness.

Needless to say, I don’t care much for that.

One of the giant swings I took yesterday was requesting a referral for in-home physical therapy. I wasn’t feeling as excited about it as in the days leading up to the appointment, but I followed through anyway. Being mostly bedridden has taken a toll, and it can only be helpful to have some strength and coordination and confidence back—however much or little it gets me.

Right now, I only have a doctor’s referral for the PT, and I’m waiting on a phone call for a consult. So more about that when it happens. If I could brush my teeth or just hold things without a death grip, I’d consider that a win.

Another thing that feels like progress to me: I requested my Lexapro dose be upped from 5mg to 10mg. Ten is actually where my doctor wanted to start me, but in an anxious reflex I requested the lower dose to start out. (As previously mentioned, I am distrustful of antidepressants after a couple of bad experiences.)

So I took my first 10mg dose this morning with my mug of coffee and a swig of hope. Here’s to continued progress.

Mom noted how much more chatty I’ve been on Lexapro, commenting how before I was so tired I could barely speak. She is for real. Before I didn’t have the energy to think or talk. That’s how tired I was. All the time. I’m sitting up more and using my laptop daily, not just my phone. Also signs of improvement.

With decreased anxiety comes better sleep. A life of insomnia is debilitating, even without anything else to force an error. If you know, you know. And I’ve noticed lately that my anxiety is up. (Very good chance that’s about anticipating medical stuff.)

My sleep hasn’t been terrible, but it hasn’t been as good, so 10mg it is. I don’t want to have completely sleepless nights again. Not that I expect to have Lexapro do all the anxiety work, I just feel like the double-play clears a few bases. The help is nice.