Mirror, Mirror
When I worked for John Green in the aughts, a concept in one of his books really hit me, and nearly twenty years later, I am still thinking about it. The basic concept is that people need good mirrors.
When Pedro the PT showed up for my in-home physical therapy, I think the reason I held him in such high esteem is that he was a really good mirror, but he was only into reflecting the good stuff.
He’d smile a lot, celebrate my wins with me, and tell me humorous stories. And somewhere along the way, I realized I don’t suck, I’m not a burden, and my broken body is not me. I am not this brain tumor.
For the first time in quite a while someone was mirroring the good parts of me.
This was so refreshing and uplifting to me, but anxious thoughts took notice.
“Seems like she’s doing better. That’s not normal. We should probably pull the panic alarm.”
In-home therapy concluded, and I started outpatient therapy where I’d be forced to acknowledge I needed help from Dan, who I didn’t want help from.
I spiraled again, worrying that I wouldn’t be successful at PT without Pedro. Then chastising myself for wanting to keep the training wheels on. “You have to do this yourself eventually,” I’d say. “Insurance won’t care what you need.”
I intended it to be a self-pep talk, but instead it was anxiety fodder. I doubted my ability to keep going, and the part of my lizard brain that fears being abandoned and alone took over frequently.
Nothing makes me a worrywart like thinking my only future is being a long-term energy suck on everyone around me.
So I’ve been trying to “be the change,” as much as I bristle at the oversimplifying of everything.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who’s the kindest one of all