A few days ago I had a massive panic attack. Trying to think of something that would help me snap out of it, I asked Dan to “tell me you love me.”

The “I love you” I got back was so begrudgingly given that even in the midst of a panic attack I couldn’t help but roll my eyes and wonder how I could ever get back to bed.

Sensing that he made things worse, he tried again. It was slightly better, but not much. 

This hurts so deeply, I can’t. I’ve written before about how I can’t cry, and I’m 99% sure it’s anxiety trying to protect me from myself, from my fear of abandonment.

When you’re disabled and your cancer caregiver is your spouse, it’s so hard. When your spouse thinks he knows best and you have a sordid medical history of people poo-pooing your every goddamn choice, it’s even harder.

Just had a panic attack so I think I’m hitting on something here.

These few short paragraphs have already taken me days to write.