It’s complicated with the overlap: divorcing Dan and falling in love with Rudy. The rejection that I faced with Dan makes me feel guilt and hurt at the same time. Those emotions feel like a betrayal to Rudy. I know it’s just me in the midle of life things, but I think I’ve made clear I have issues.
Mostly I just want to be held. So naturally the person I want to do that is in another state.
I’ve endured some pretty shitty things on my way to this place. (So has Rudy, but this ain’t called Emily’s Blog for nothing.)
There was some drama a couple of nights ago that ended up with me falling, my head bleeding because it hit the toilet, and my mom calling 911. I’m fine, but shaken. I always fall in the bathroom because that’s where I was traumatized the most. I can feel the panic attack set in the instant I put my foot on the cold tile.
I’m mad that I pay Dan’s nsurance premiums, which easily and conveniently pay for his therapy while I struggle to find someone who takes my insurance. It feels so unfair. Sometimes I can accept that, and sometimes I can’t.
It’s like I was telling Mom on the bathroom floor the other night, everything I do is a fight and I’m so tired I can’t even cry right.
Meanwhile I’m getting texts from him that he’s two weeks smoke-free, and feeling sorry for myself because he wasn’t willing to quit to lessen my financial burden. I’m happy for him, but sorry for myself.
I get worried that I’m the problem, and spiral. This is hard.