Sometimes falling in love with Rudy is great. I mean knowing kind of what he’s feeling like is good because I know what it feels like to need space. But also it’s not good because I know what it feels like to need space. Empathy sucks sometimes.
It’s hard for me because I want to do everything I can, but I can barely take care of myself. So I end up feeling like it’s not enough. He doesn’t put pressure on me, but I put pressure on myself. I kind of have a problem with that. I’m working on it.
I’m generally optimistic about the future, but that doesn’t make the present any easier to deal with.
In slightly better news, I had a small breakthrough today where I didn’t cry but I felt like I could. That probably doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to the uninitiated, but generalized anxiety disorder keeps me from feeling things normally (whatever normally means) and suppresses emotions because I think I will perish if others see me cathart.
So to have that lump rise in my throat and not hyperventilate is kind of a big deal for me.
Unfortunately, though, I had a panic attack later. Now all the muscles around my neck, throat and shoulders are seizing up again. Damn it.
My sister-in-law came and sat with me today while Mom had a doctor’s appointment. It’s a little weird to be this old and feel like I need a babysitter. But I don’t blame anybody, because my panic attacks look pretty scary from the outside too.
For several months I had a recurring dream where I couldn’t get exes to leave. In retrospect that was probably my brain’s way of telling me I needed to act sooner on the whole divorce thing. However, this mess is what it is now. I take full responsibility for my part in it, just not the part where I was treated like crap or refused to let go.