Today is a little bit better than yesterday. I started virtual EMDR therapy this morning, and it helped. By the end of the 30-minute session, I went from seeing double to seeimg a single dot.

In Nystagmus Land that’s quite a feat actually, and I’m proud of it. Plus I sat up the whole time, which was an extra bonus for my circulatory system.

I ate lunch without choking. When I enter panic mode it’s really hard to swallow sometimes, so an uneventful meal is something to cheer about. The last thing I need is a phobia about eating.

In general I’m steadier on my feet and less likely to tip over. That’s reassuring. These constant changes in my physical abilities are one of the things that makes me so sure this is panic. (It helps that when I had scans done for brain stuff, they turned up nada.)

Still no cathartic cry, but I’m ready for it when it happens. To be honest I’m
exhausted always being on the brink. Just wish it would happen already.

Last night was particularly hard on my mom. Things were rough, and she is a sympathetic crier. That’s how I know I should have been crying. I had my relaxation playlist on and “You Can Do This Hard Thing” by Carrie Newcomer played. I think it was the first time she’d heard it. It kind of hits hard for both of us.

It’s warm enough here but very gray and cloudy, which has my spirits down a little more than usual. Going to rest and meditate now and see if that helps.