I just cancelled tomorrow’s outpatient PT session, but I did make it to today’s CT scan and MRI.
I was thinking that although I wasn’t terribly excited about PT tomorrow, I could make it through. Then I got out of bed a wobbly mess and needed help pulling my pajama pants up, and the inner monologue went something like this:
You are not seriously going to do PT at eight o’clock in the morning, are you?
Well, when you put it like that.
And so I signed into MyChart. My next session is scheduled for Tuesday.
The scans today took so much out of me when I was already moving around hunched over. I think my spine or neck is misaligned. So the car ride, the transferring, the IV contrast, the heat—I think all of it whittled away at my resolve.
Pushing through stuff I have no business attempting sets me up for physical failures that lead to negative self-talk that lead to anxiety spirals. There are times to step outside of my comfort zone, but tomorrow morning doesn’t feel like one. So I’m being nice to myself and taking the day off from appointments. Especially ones where physical exertion is the entire point.
Tomorrow will be for watching Murderbot and maybe some writing.
Speaking of writing, I filled out my CT and MRI forms using my left hand. It’s much easier to write nearly without the time crunch and with a writing table angled to fit me comfortably. The arms of my wheelchair are a nuisance. But it was legible. It need only be legible.
One thing I need to give myself credit for before I take a gummy and try to relax: I opened my eyes for thirty seconds with my head pinned down inside the MRI today. I probably could have gone longer, it just seemed unwise to push it when I needed to be still.
As the anxiety subsides, I’m feeling more and more like doing stuff. Here on the blog, and in real life. So I’m circling the block, looking for a place to park the struggle bus. More on that in a minute. First, how I’m doing:
I’ve been taking Lexapro (escitalopram) 5mg for a little over three weeks now, and it’s working in a cascading fashion. One good thing clears the path for another good thing, and I’m here for it! The most significant good thing I notice is that I’m sleeping so much better. I was depressed for sure, likely due to the constant anxious thinking and lack of sleep.
With anxiety down, I don’t buzz with panic as soon as I turn the lights off. Instead I feel sleepy. I have weird SSRI dreams*, and I sleep through the night (when my bladder allows, of course). Even Mom was like, “How’s that Lexapro working out for you?”
Yes, folks, I have reached the portion of the anxiety deprogramming where other people are noticing.
I’ve started virtual EMDR therapy** and continue to use the Unwinding Anxiety app. Major muscles that were once in perpetual spastic contraction have started twitching. (Once upon a time, I would have considered the twitching an annoyance, but now it feels so good.) Overall I feel like things are unspooling nicely. I still have panic attacks far more frequently than I’d like, but I don’t feel helpless about them.
With my new moments of mental clarity, I have decided that I want to make this blog and website more for me. I love you all and enjoy thinking about what my audience wants as I was trained, but I need an outlet for my stress and to give myself permission to play. It may not be noticeable to you, but it is a seismic shift in how I think about what I do here***.
So without further ado, here’s what to expect going forward:
transitioning my memoir chapters to personal blog essays, published at regular intervals
functional and aesthetic updates to the site
continued guest posts on related topics
continued day-in-the-life, review, and chronic illness ramblings
Earlier this week I took a normie shower (as opposed to bathing with cleansing cloths) and a few hours later I was mulling over how it went and the progress I was making when I realized the water didn’t feel like razors cutting me open. I thought to myself, “That was so normal I didn’t even notice how unpainfully normal it was!”
I’m amazed at myself. People, including me, who thought I had strength and resilience when I was diagnosed with cancer should be in awe right now. GAD and panic attacks are the hardest things I’ve endured to date. They make the existential crisis of living with an inoperable brain stem tumor seem trivial. When people tell you they deal with anxiety, I hope you’ll be the kindest person you know how to be. TGIF, kids!
* I had a dream the other night that Hugh Grant was making egg souflé in a spinning metal mixing bowl with sizzling hot oil on the living room carpet of my old house and in the dream I kept thinking to myself, “That’s not how you make souflé.”
** I have thoughts. I’ll probably blog about them in a future post. For now I will say that I thought EMDR was just woo but it’s not, and it’s helping.
*** For example, I remember (wrongly) thinking to myself many years ago, nobody wants to read about good things. I need to make this blog all struggle bus, all the time.
Recognizing that I sleep better when I take a gummy before bed, I took these apple cider gummies for my recent bout with insomnia. Here’s how they hit.
As I have mentioned before, I’m a lightweight when it comes to weed. I only took about 5mg. This was my experience. TL;DR: reasonably priced and worth it.
Today’s review is for apple cider flavored gummies from The Botanist. Check out my other edible reviews.
Cannabis Type: The bottle doesn’t say, but I’m guessing Indica.
Price: $18
Dose: 10 mg
THC: 10 mg each gummy
Taste: Delicious apple flavor with no weedy aftertaste. So look out if good-tasting edibles are your weakness. Mindfulness of your THC consumption is a requirement for these edibles unless you like getting too high.
Not as chewy or sticky as some gummies. More of a dissolvable texture that doesn’t stick to your teeth. Quit pleasant, actually.
Overall High: 8/10
I only took half a gummy and woke up and needed to pee a little after midnight, the time the THC hit its peak. Getting to the toilet was fine, but I was dizzy and had to call my husband to help me get from the toilet back to bed. (I have balance issues and have taken a few falls, so I err on the side of caution due to anxiety.)
Time to Relief: I was asleep within 30 minutes. That’s good for an insomniac!
Duration of Relief: 9 hours
I slept pretty well, just got up the one time and otherwise out like a light. I didn’t wake up feeling groggy or hungover in the morning, but got dizzy and felt faint about 2 hours in.
Pain Relief: 8/10
I slept soundly when pain and discomfort were high, so this gummy had to be good. Giving it 8/10 is a best guess at how well it actually did though because I was not consciously aware of my pain. All I can say with certainty is that, like with the 1906 pills, I got 9 hours of sleep.
Munchies (Intensity): 0/10
I was asleep. I didn’t crave any food, and I wasn’t tempted to sabotage my non-flared IBS by eating more than my digestive tract could process.
Couchlock (Intensity): 0/10
I was asleep. So that feeling that I should get up and do something fighting the feeling that I can’t get up and do something wasn’t an issue again.
Time Dilation (Intensity) 6/10
When I woke up I thought it had to be at least 4 am, and when I told Dan I tried to wait out the dizzyness rather than wake him? There’s a solid chance I experienced 5 seconds as 5 minutes.
After a nerve pain flare (I have had brain surgery and the muscles in my neck are finicky) I’ve been living in a world of hurt for the last few days and unable to sleep because of it. That’s the context for my review of 1906 brand Sleep Drops Plant-Based Pills.
Technically an edible, these medical cannabis pills do the trick for my painsomnia though pills aren’t really of any use to my taste buds.
I paired one pill with Nervive Roll-On*, turned on the Sleep with Me podcast**, and slept very well. These will definitely be restocked in my medicine cabinet.
As I have mentioned before, I’m a lightweight when it comes to weed. I only took one pill (a half dose) and these were my results.
Today’s review is for 1906’s Sleep Drops. Check out my other edible reviews.
Cannabis Type: I don’t know, honestly, but I’m guessing Indica.
Price: $5
Dose: 10 mg
THC: 5 mg each
CBD: 5 mg each
CBN: 2 mg each
Taste: There is none, and coming from a cancered pill-taker that’s the highest of compliments. Many traditional medicines taste awful after they’ve briefly touched the tongue. But these taste like nothing at all, which I sincerely appreciate.
As pictured below, these pills have a special coating and are shaped like a teardrop. (I wondered why they were called Sleep Drops. Mystery solved.)
Overall High: 1/10
Or should this be 10/10? I don’t know because I was sleeping, and it was glorious.
Time to Relief: 35 minutes. I know the package says 20 minutes but my metabolism is slow sometimes. Thirty-five minutes is still lightning fast in my book, and I like the idea of not needing to set a timer two hours before bedtime.
Duration of Relief: 10 hours
I slept through the night, otherwise an impossibility. I got up at my usual 2 am timeslot to go to the bathroom, but I fell back to sleep right away. Also not possible these days without medication.
Worth noting, too, that I didn’t wake up feeling groggy or hungover.
Pain Relief: 8/10
I slept soundly, so it had to be good. This is a best guess at how well it actually did though because I was not consciously aware of my pain. All I can say with certainty is that I got 9 hours of sleep (10:00pm to 7:00am) and that never happens. I woke up with diminished pain too.
Munchies (Intensity): 0/10
I was asleep. I didn’t crave any food, and I wasn’t tempted to sabotage my non-flared IBS by eating more than my digestive tract could process.
Couchlock (Intensity): 0/10
I was asleep. So that feeling that I should get up and do something fighting the feeling that I can’t get up and do something wasn’t an issue.
Time Dilation (Intensity) 0/10
Did I mention these Sleep Drops put me to sleep?
Additional Notes:
These pills are made with RSO and hemp extract. Full-spectrum cannabis oil (RSO) seems to produce superior results for me, and I know others who consume edibles say the same thing. I think they are definitely worth trying, especially if you can get your hands on the sample packs. No long-term commitment or huge expense if they don’t work for you.
I think they make a version of these that are all-hemp and therefore would be federally legal and available for shipment. These were purchased from my dispensary in a legal state (Illinois) so I can’t vouch for the non-weed stuff.
For several reasons, the election results triggered my generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) causing me neck and shoulder tension that made me feel like I couldn’t breathe and caused severe, immobilizing pain. I reached for a new edible, the NGW Dark Chocolate Raspberry Bar.
Anxiety is something I deal with persistently since my cancer diagnosis, so I thought I’d write this edible review in that context, deviating somewhat from how I’ve approached earlier reviews.
Today’s review is for NGW’s Dark Chocolate Raspberry Bar. Check out my other edible reviews.
Taste: Good. I prefer milk chocolate to dark chocolate, but I didn’t find this too bitter and it wasn’t heavy on that weed taste at all. There were real raspberry pieces with those seeds you experience when you eat fresh berries.
Overall High: 1/10
I kept taking bites of this hoping for something to work. It did help with my pain, finally, but it took a while and I never really felt high. It did eventually make me sleepy.
Time to Relief: 165 minutes
I tried this edible on an empty stomach, how I usually take edibles. However, I had been taking Betty’s Eddies chews for several days prior. There was no tolerance break, which may have influenced my experience with this product.
Duration of Relief: 8 hours
I slept through the night, which I count a win.
Pain Relief: 6/10
Worth taking, but the price is high when I factor in I had to consume about 12.5g of this bar to get any noticeable relief.
(The bar is smaller than others I have tried with only four 25mg sections. From approximately 5:30 pm to 8:15 pm, I ate about half of one section.)
Munchies (Intensity): 1/10
I ate a square piece of leftover pizza, and it tasted better than usual. I didn’t overeat or feel too hungry to sleep, and I didn’t have any specific cravings.
Couchlock (Intensity): 0/10
I didn’t experience couchlock at all.
Time Dilation (Intensity) 1/10
At one point I had a thought time was moving pretty slowly, but it barely registered. Since I was relaxed and ended up sleeping, I don’t know whether I simply missed the more intense time dilation sensations or if they were extremely mild with this dark chocolate raspberry bar.
Additional Notes:
The packaging mentions that their process involves less weed-y tasting extraction methods. I found that to be true, but wonder now if that process affects potency at all.
I sent Dan on an expedition to hunt medical marijuana edibles this morning after waking up extremely achy. I picked out several new-to-me products, including some sample sizes. Here’s how this cancer and anxiety patient experienced the Enliven Lemon Sugar Cookie.
Taste: Freaking delicious. The budtender said these were good and that we’d be back. No lie detected.
These cookies are the first edible I’ve tried that taste nothing like weed to me. There was a pleasant lemon aroma and the faintest smell of weed when I opened the package, but no lingering aftertaste at all.
This is just a one-cookie sample, but they sell multiples too. I wanted to make sure that I like them first, being on a budget and all. Now that I know they are so good, though, I might be too tempted to eat more than one at a time.
Overall High: 9/10
At one point I turned and said to Dan, “Man, I’m fucked up.” Like the Ache Away Eddies, the high was intensely pleasant. There were times I felt darn near abled and wanted to dance along with Moana and her grandmother. I was always cognizant of my reality, however.
Time to High: 30 minutes
Again, I tried this cookie on an empty stomach, how I usually take edibles. It’s easier to compare if I don’t do these reviews with too many variables.
Duration of High: 3 hours
I find that most edibles labeled “relaxed” or “calm” make me sleepy. This was no exception. Which is kind of why I picked it. I wanted something cozy to help me nap after crummy sleep last night.
Pain Relief: 5/10
Worth taking, but the pain wasn’t relieved so much as I felt empowered to feel other things for a little while. I was like, “Gee, this bed is really comfy! Who knew?”
Munchies (Intensity): 7/10
I had a cheeseburger for lunch, and it was so good even the crunch of the pickles was mind-blowing. Later I couldn’t get the idea of eating mozzarella sticks out of my head.
This is a potentially good one for when chemo and other treatments make nausea intense.
Couchlock (Intensity): 7/10
I call it bedlock for potentially obvious reasons.
Time Dilation (Intensity) 5/10
I had moments for sure, but it was tolerable and my brain was aware that I was experiencing time differently.
Additional Notes:
I also have the Enliven Snickerdoodle Cookie that I look forward to trying.
A forty-four year old woman can be absolutely certain that something is the right thing to do and still pout and whine about it. Ask me how I know.
My oncologist called and reminded me there was that matter of the nodule on my lung that showed up in the last CT scan. With all the lupus stuff preoccupying my tumored brain, I’d forgotten about it. He didn’t though.
He recommended a biopsy, reasoning that if it is cancer, it’d be so easy to treat right now. A little zap and voila! Early detection and all that jazz.
I know he is absolutely right. But I also know my body’s proclivity for racking up procedures that don’t help identify a damn thing.
He’s going to put in the referral.
Damn it.
When I got home from the rheumatologist’s appointment Wednesday, I was so buoyed too. “I’m taking all of August off from doctor shit,” I told Dan.
Fucking hell.
Dr. Oncologist also sent my lymph tissue off to Cleveland Clinic for a second opinion, which was pretty cool of him. They agree the lymphadenopathy is not cancer, and a couple of other tests also came back negative.
So my lupus theory holds for now, and I’m well aware that lupus can cause lung issues too. In light of that: no vape, only edibles. I get better pain relief from edibles anyway.
That reminds me. While we were talking, Dr. Oncologist asked me again if I’d ever been told I have an autoimmune disease. Heh. So I told him about the lupus not being confirmed or ruled out and about the hydroxychloroquine, and he seemed to think that was a good plan.
I’ve been told numerous times over the course of many years that “something autoimmune is going on” but no one can ever diagnose what exactly it is. I’m trying not to get all twitchy about it while I’m typing this.
“Maybe you’ll get a disease named after you,” Dan joked.
I’ve been thinking about that and have decided if I could name a new disease, I’d give it some attitude. Like “fuck this noise disease” or something.
Anyway, that sound means it’s time to ask for financial help again. Small donations of $10 and/or sharing the link are always helpful.
I spent an hour and a half waiting to see my oncologist yesterday and left without seeing him. I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t sit in the wheelchair another minute longer. Couldn’t handle the stifling exam room. (I can’t bear not to have air moving around me, or I feel like I’m suffocating, so I think I’m going to buy one of these. Because every exam room has my body contemplating a panic attack.)
There was the thirty minutes to get there yesterday, and the thirty minutes home, too. And I just couldn’t be upright anymore. So Dan told the nurse we were out.
The waiting room was busy when we got there, so I knew it wasn’t going to be a fun time. I don’t blame the doctors or staff; it’s not like they can tell some people to not have cancer.
I think we’d all volunteer as tribute, though. So not sure what that would mean for their jobs.
Ha.
I spent the rest of yesterday in bed, and today’s shaping up to be much more of the same. Tomorrow I have a rheumatology appointment, and thinking about it makes me want to weep.
Sure there’s the financial cost of it all, but the physical toll. [Screams into void.] I want to feel better, and I want to stop going to all these appointments. I’d previously viewed those two things as entirely at odds with each other, but maybe they’re the same.
I was so overheated by yesterday morning’s excursion that I couldn’t sleep without a fan blowing on me, the thermostat set to 70 °F, and an ice pack breaking the underboob heat feedback loop. And even with all of that ridiculousness, I still didn’t sleep very well.
As of this writing, I’m going to go to the rheumatologist appointment tomorrow because this is the place that won’t let me make more appointments if I cancel again. I hate them. I also don’t have any reason to believe they have an answer for me.
Pretty sure they’re going to ask me to pee in a cup again. Which is problematic for a couple of reasons. First, I intentionally dehydrate myself before trips. Second, it’s just a physical impossibility right now.
Ope. Abrupt exit. Weed’s working, and I want to notice what not hurting is like. Bye, losers.
Cannabis Type: Indica? Maybe? I looked up indica edibles when browsing the Cloud9 website, but it’s not specified on the box or the product listing now that I’m trying to verify my assumptions.
Price: $20
Dose: 10 mg ea. Piece / 100 mg total
THC: 10 mg
Taste: It’s just okay. I think white chocolate is pretty boring. It’s sweet without much texture or flavor. The crispy rice seems sparse.
Certainly not gross but also not what I’d call good. Maybe that’s ideal? If I like it too much, I might struggle to pace myself.
Overall High: 7/10
The high was noticeable and good, but one-dimensional feeling because I had the Ache Away Eddies for comparison.
Time to High: 70 minutes
That was on an empty stomach, how I usually take edibles. Unless the pain is dire, I like to eat after I’ve had an edible. Food tastes better. If you know, you know.
Duration of High: 3 hours 20 minutes
I was mostly just sleepy, but also acutely aware that I didn’t feel as miserable. Always a win.
Pain Relief: 8/10
Definitely worth taking. I’m not sure if the back-to-back days of having edibles impacted the pain relief or not. It seemed what I might expect in pain relief from a THC-only indica strain. Reliable relief that I wish was just a little better.
Munchies (Intensity): 6/10
I was on the lookout for food in general, but I was hungry when the show started. No specific food cravings.
Couchlock (Intensity): 5/10
I wasn’t what you’d call motivated, Bob.
Time Dilation (Intensity) 8/10
I had to look at the clock frequently or lose myself to time.
Notes on Packaging:
It looks pretty and is designed to be childproof, but in this disabled household it’s not convenient. I had a hard time gripping the tray. Also i didn’t want to ruin the box, for reasons I cannot explain but others can probably relate to.
I’m so proud of myself for pooping today, I should buy myself this T-shirt.
The exacerbated nerve pain increased rapidly after the edible wore off yesterday, so I decided not to be a hero. I took a 10mg (what now?) square of the Incredibles strawberry crunch bar around 4 o’clock. I microblogged some notes and will review the Incredibles edible like the Ache Away chews. But later. I don’t feel like doing it right now.
Anyway, that’s why I took 10mg again instead of reverting to my usual 5 mg. Easier to compare notes with like dosing.
That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.
I see today that the barometric pressure has topped up again and the weather should be stable for a couple of days. Fingers crossed that does the trick, and this present migraine is on its way out. Or I’ll have to shake my fist at a cloud or something.
Edibles are dehydrating, in case you’re not familiar. (If you don’t know how dehydration can complicate IBS-C, congratulations for being regular. I hate you.) So I have to drink extra water while sleeping 6 additional hours a day and doing my best bipedal sloth impression when I’m awake my eyes are open.
What I’m trying to say is that dragging a cup of water to my face while under the influence isn’t easy, but somehow I managed to negotiate an annoyingly troublesome side effect of medical marijuana before things got out of hand. I feel accomplished. Don’t take pooping for granted, people. Listen to your Auntie Em.
Also iced coffee is medicinal but looks like I’m just treating myself. So next time your evil co-worker Carol comes in with that Frappe, you have my permission to assume she’s cranky for reasons and giggle your way to 5 o’clock. I’m full of great life advice today. Bookmark this post. I’ll wait.
