Feb 19, 2026 | Anxiety, Cancer, Personal
Today is a little bit better than yesterday. I started virtual EMDR therapy this morning, and it helped. By the end of the 30-minute session, I went from seeing double to seeimg a single dot.
In Nystagmus Land that’s quite a feat actually, and I’m proud of it. Plus I sat up the whole time, which was an extra bonus for my circulatory system.
I ate lunch without choking. When I enter panic mode it’s really hard to swallow sometimes, so an uneventful meal is something to cheer about. The last thing I need is a phobia about eating.
In general I’m steadier on my feet and less likely to tip over. That’s reassuring. These constant changes in my physical abilities are one of the things that makes me so sure this is panic. (It helps that when I had scans done for brain stuff, they turned up nada.)
Still no cathartic cry, but I’m ready for it when it happens. To be honest I’m
exhausted always being on the brink. Just wish it would happen already.
Last night was particularly hard on my mom. Things were rough, and she is a sympathetic crier. That’s how I know I should have been crying. I had my relaxation playlist on and “You Can Do This Hard Thing” by Carrie Newcomer played. I think it was the first time she’d heard it. It kind of hits hard for both of us.
It’s warm enough here but very gray and cloudy, which has my spirits down a little more than usual. Going to rest and meditate now and see if that helps.
Mar 21, 2025 | Anxiety, Brain Tumor, Medical Cannabis, Personal
As the anxiety subsides, I’m feeling more and more like doing stuff. Here on the blog, and in real life. So I’m circling the block, looking for a place to park the struggle bus. More on that in a minute. First, how I’m doing:
I’ve been taking Lexapro (escitalopram) 5mg for a little over three weeks now, and it’s working in a cascading fashion. One good thing clears the path for another good thing, and I’m here for it! The most significant good thing I notice is that I’m sleeping so much better. I was depressed for sure, likely due to the constant anxious thinking and lack of sleep.
With anxiety down, I don’t buzz with panic as soon as I turn the lights off. Instead I feel sleepy. I have weird SSRI dreams*, and I sleep through the night (when my bladder allows, of course). Even Mom was like, “How’s that Lexapro working out for you?”
Yes, folks, I have reached the portion of the anxiety deprogramming where other people are noticing.
I’ve started virtual EMDR therapy** and continue to use the Unwinding Anxiety app. Major muscles that were once in perpetual spastic contraction have started twitching. (Once upon a time, I would have considered the twitching an annoyance, but now it feels so good.) Overall I feel like things are unspooling nicely. I still have panic attacks far more frequently than I’d like, but I don’t feel helpless about them.
With my new moments of mental clarity, I have decided that I want to make this blog and website more for me. I love you all and enjoy thinking about what my audience wants as I was trained, but I need an outlet for my stress and to give myself permission to play. It may not be noticeable to you, but it is a seismic shift in how I think about what I do here***.
So without further ado, here’s what to expect going forward:
- transitioning my memoir chapters to personal blog essays, published at regular intervals
- functional and aesthetic updates to the site
- continued guest posts on related topics
- continued day-in-the-life, review, and chronic illness ramblings
Earlier this week I took a normie shower (as opposed to bathing with cleansing cloths) and a few hours later I was mulling over how it went and the progress I was making when I realized the water didn’t feel like razors cutting me open. I thought to myself, “That was so normal I didn’t even notice how unpainfully normal it was!”
I’m amazed at myself. People, including me, who thought I had strength and resilience when I was diagnosed with cancer should be in awe right now. GAD and panic attacks are the hardest things I’ve endured to date. They make the existential crisis of living with an inoperable brain stem tumor seem trivial. When people tell you they deal with anxiety, I hope you’ll be the kindest person you know how to be. TGIF, kids!
P.S. it’s Friday, and weekends are for making Crockpot Cannabutter.
* I had a dream the other night that Hugh Grant was making egg souflé in a spinning metal mixing bowl with sizzling hot oil on the living room carpet of my old house and in the dream I kept thinking to myself, “That’s not how you make souflé.”
** I have thoughts. I’ll probably blog about them in a future post. For now I will say that I thought EMDR was just woo but it’s not, and it’s helping.
*** For example, I remember (wrongly) thinking to myself many years ago, nobody wants to read about good things. I need to make this blog all struggle bus, all the time.
