I’m facing a bit of a conundrum this morning. I really want cinnamon raisin toast for breakfast, but if I ask Dan to make me some, he’ll actually toast it and put real butter on it. (You can take the boy out of Wisconsin, etcetera.)

What I really want is warmed up bread with melted Smart Balance on it. I’ve never been a fan of too-toasted bread—it needs to retain about 85% squish—but with dry mouth, the issue of texture is even more important. I’m mitigating my choking risk here.

Not that I think I’d die. But I’d cough because a crumb hit my throat sideways. I’d take a drink, but I’d still feel the phantom crumb and keep coughing until my eyes watered. And if it was an especially fun episode, I might trigger my confused esophageal muscles to the point they reverse course.

I’m not opposed to a little butter now and then. I feel like I should say that. But I like that hint of salt they put in the fake stuff, particularly on sweeter things. You know, like cinnamon raisin bread or banana bread or whatever.

Why not use salted butter?

We don’t do salted butter here. We want more control and little to no extra salt for most applications.

Anyway, I want what I want, but I also don’t want to get out of bed. And I don’t want to explain how or why I want my toast a specific way. Though Dan respects my preferences, this is just one of those things he can’t wrap his brain around—why I sometimes want fake butter.

He also gets mildly irritated when I jump into preference apologetics.

“Woman. You don’t have to justify your personal choices.”

But then I’ll ask for something—like, say, warm cinnamon raisin bread with Smart Balance—and he’ll say, “So you want toast? With butter?”

And I will weep on the inside.

Now I have to get dressed and go to the pharmacy for a jab of Shingrix. Breakfast is postponed until tomorrow.

Update 1:06 pm: I had the shot in my right arm because I had the covid booster in my left. I can’t lift it, and I’m going to take a 36-hour nap now.

Update 2:17 pm: I summoned the courage to ask, and Dan made me warm bread with fake butter.

*In case you aren’t reading the title right, a video.

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